I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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