So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
