1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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