So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
