Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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