I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
