you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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