Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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