if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
