omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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