Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
