I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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