God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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