Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
