No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
