I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
