just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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