just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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