I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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