drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
