I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize