My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
