I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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