no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
