Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
