Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
