I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
