she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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