i can't believe i had my finger in that
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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