The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
