I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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