New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
