If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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