not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
