I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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