I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
