She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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