Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
