If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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