she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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