What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
