So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
