I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish you could order shots online.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
