i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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