1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
