I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
