I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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