How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
