he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
is wine microwaveable?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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