it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
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all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
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So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number