I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
