I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She bit a glass in half.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
