I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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