non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
