I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
