Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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