I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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