I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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