you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
