My friends, they love my intelligence
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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