Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
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You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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