We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
